Jaraveyre

Antiques & The Arts

Are Deep-Fried Oreos the Perfect Food for the End of the World?


– At the Bonfire XXM,
we’ll tweet out the video we’re talking about, of a man
in a fuck suit that we’re trying to buy. Fuck suit’s probably
not the best way– – Jacob, I can’t put
this outfit on, I’d look ridiculous. – Yeah, and dude,
and I would fucking… I’d rip through the back ’cause
I’m all long and gangly. – Jacob, I would look just
ridiculous in this outfit. You gotta do it.
– Can you imagine me? It’s like– it’s small, it looks
like tiny pajamas on me. – Yeah!
– It’s up to my shins. – You can’t have your fucking…
your wrists and forearms coming out. – If there’s a draft–
– It’s all short. – If I have a draft in the room
and it strikes my shins while I’m fucking
that machine… – It’s gonna throw me off.
– I’ll be soft. – It’s gonna throw me off. – Jacob, you’re perfect.
– No. – Jacob… – Okay, maybe
we’re just bullying. – Just tell us about it. – Yeah, we don’t have
to be there. – We’re offering you
the gift of blowjob. – Robot-job. You get a ro-job.
– Ro-job. – Hi, it’s “The Bonfire,” Comedy Central Radio,
Sirius XM 95. I’m Dan Soder,
and right across from me, my radio husband,
Big Jay Oakerson. – Oh, Lou, I noticed you didn’t
come out today to smoke. Are you not smoking yet? – I’m trying to quit.
Chantix is kicking in. – How many days? – About ten days now.
– Hey, really? – I’m still smoking, though.
– No, no, no, he’s smoking. – Okay. I’m confused
about what Chantix does. – It’s supposed to make you– but you can play through it,
I think. I think you–
it might not work, right? – I think I might love
cigarettes so much that I could just override
the fucking pills. – I agree with you.
I feel nauseous from smoking sometimes,
I go I can’t– and an hour later I’ll still go smoke again.
– Yeah. – Look up, Christine,
if there’s Chantix failure story– it doesn’t work. – Oh, you mean the underbelly,
the dark truth of Chantix? – You mean, fucking Ray Liotta
just pretending to not smoke? – Well, he’s pretending that
his face looks like that, so I mean…
– Kyle Dunnigan did a great… – Oh, yeah.
– …on Instagram of Ray Liotta with the face graft thing.
– Really? – Yeah, he did
Ray Liotta doing Chantix. – Oh, that’s really
fucking hilarious. – It’s really fucking funny. Kyle Dunnigan
is very fucking funny. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – And that’s great–
’cause he got that face-lift. – Yeah.
– It’s like, “It’s the best thing I ever did,
was call and get that…” – I just remember the batshit
crazy Ray Liotta tequila commercial.
Do you guys remember that? They would play it
before UFC events, and he’d just be like,
“When you want something you need,”
it’s like that. “You better have
a shot at tequila–” It’s fucking nuts. He, like, aggressively
drinks tequila. If I was a bartender, I wouldn’t
feel comfortable serving him. – The whole point of Chantix,
is you take the pill, and it makes you
sick of smoking. Like, it affect your
brain chemistry, right? – Let’s get to the smoking
science in a second. I want to make sure
that this is the commercial I was talking about that’s
batshit crazy with Ray Liotta. I think he just aggressively
has a tequila. It’s from a couple years ago. (bell tolling) Treat your bartender like
a piece of shit. Whoa, weird message
for an alcohol company. If your bartender is a guy… – Move, Mexican.
– Harass him. But anyways, you get the point. Ray Liotta goes in real feisty
and just fucking yells at a bartender for tequila.
– Fiery. – It struck me
as a weird commercial, that they were like,
“this is a good image.” – It looks like he was
enjoying life a lot more when he was smoking. – Yeah.
– Here’s great news. – I’m half in the bag.
– Does Chantix really work? Tell me the truth,
what are my chances? Frankly, not good. – Motherfucking mutt!
You fucking piece of shit! – Does– what is this article,
where’s it from? We gotta start
checking our sources here. Come on, guys. – This is from WhyQuit.com,
and then apparently there’s a video link.
– It’s just some guy– just some guy convincing
other people not to quit so he can keep smoking. He goes, “Chantix?
Fucking I don’t know. “My friend Carl used it
and I don’t think he liked it. So whatever, man, let’s go out
and smoke a butt.” – It’s saying if you’re not
taking it for, you know, whatever, anxiety or shit also, that it’s gonna
make you suicidal. – No. Like Accutane?
– Yeah, and then… – And then I got skin so smooth.
– Maybe you can do me a favor and ask Sebastian to stop
putting you up in balcony seats so you don’t try to jump.
– Yeah. He goes– He goes, “Sebastian,
got the e-mail, listen. “Thanks for the tickets.
Bad news is, it’s in a hot zone for me.”
– Yeah. “Hey, bud, you’re gonna have
to bump me up a little bit.” – Lou, are you having any–
are you having any crazy dreams? – No.
– ‘Cause you said that was like a side eff– so you’re doing… – I’m feeling no effects,
it’s feeling– except for
the cigarettes taste disgusting. – Really? So it really is–
– But then it’s working. – It’s made cigarettes gross?
– Yeah, my tongue feels like sandpaper.
– Ugh. – But you’re still going.
– I love it. – Well, when you
love a thing, Jay… man. – But he’s a longtime smoker,
so he says– the doctor said it was
gonna take extra long. – What’s the longest time–
what’s the longest you’ve quit smoking?
What’s the longest you’ve went without a cigarette? – I went six months on Chantix
ten years ago. And I’ve been smoking
for almost 25 years. – Crazy.
Smoke, I would never have the confidence of, like… dude, I’ll never smoke
a cigarette again. ‘Cause I think about that, if they hit those fucking
missile sirens or whatever they have,
where it’s like… (imitating siren)
…the world’s ending, I’m gonna be like, pack of
Camel Lights in a box, buddy. Let’s get it going,
I’ll be back outside fucking… I’ll just be ripping one up,
just lighting it up, like… (imitates smoking)
…fucking bring it. ‘Cause that’s how…
– Do you miss… Now, you don’t have that
for drinking? You don’t go, “I’m gonna
get ripped too,” right? – No, drinking,
I didn’t like how I was getting
when I was drunk. Like, I wasn’t as fun.
It was starting to get dark. – But I’m saying, it’s like,
the feeling of them, I’m just saying, like,
you don’t miss the feeling, like the good times of it enough
to say, if the world’s ending, the
missile sirens are going off. – Oh, if the world’s blowing up?
– You get butts and you– Do you have some drinks?
– Yeah. – Yeah.
– Yeah, yeah, I would have, like, a fucking…
I’d have a Jameson and like a Budweiser bottle. – Yeah.
– Cold Bud. I’d fucking do a couple shots
of whiskey, put on some music. – You wanna, like, sip it again. – No, fucking bang
it back, buddy. – Oh, okay, it’s gross.
– World’s ending. – You think it’s gross.
– I don’t think it’s gross. But that’s the way I’m used
to drinking it. – Oh, it’s so gross to me.
– I don’t like swish it around. Jameson, you just hit,
you’re just like, fa-pow. – Can’t even.
– Back down. – That’s what you would do?
– Yeah, drink Jameson with a Bud back.
– What’d you do, Jacob? Work out?
– No, no, I’d like, just shoot up.
– You’d shoot up? – If the world’s ending?
– I agree with… – The world’s ending.
– I’m with you, Jacob. – Oh, yeah.
– We’ll start writing a book until the missiles hit. – Oh, dude, I’ll get aggressive. I’m just gonna– yeah,
I don’t really know, man. If the missiles hit,
maybe I would drink? I would definitely smoke
a cigarette. I’d make some calls.
– If you have no– if there’s no solution, if there’s
no answer to the thing… – Nothing, I think
I’d smoke cigarettes. – I’d make sure I got
to Isabelle in some capacity. – I would try–
– And then I would do heroin with her.
– Yeah, I’d blast her off. It’s like when you’re in the air
and you gotta put the mask on. – Oh, I’m gonna blow it
right between her toes. – You gotta do yourself first
and then you help out. That’s what
they tell you in the sky. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Do your own mask in the air. – No, but that’s not… that’s an air game,
that’s not a heroin game. Heroin, you’re gonna have
to boot the kids up first. – Yeah, absolutely,
’cause you’re gonna nod. – You don’t wanna fuck up, yeah,
I don’t wanna fuck up. – You’re gonna nod.
I would probably… Man, I would see what
we have in the house. I would just see what we have
in the house, just you know,
let’s clean house a little bit. – Just throw some fucking,
yeah, some Nyquil and something in the Ninja. – Oh, dude, in the fucking–
in the Bullet? – Throw it in the Magic Bullet.
(both imitating blender) – I go, Vecchione, get ready,
we’re Jonestowning, baby. (laughter) – We’re going Jim Jones! – I got the cigarette
in the corner of my mouth as I’m opening the thing.
– Yeah, bud! – I go, get over here,
I got some fucking soup for us. Just like party holding. – It’s in a mason jar.
– (exclaiming) – Is this artisan?
Yes, thanks for noticing. – I go, it is…
(imitates smoking) That is a mason jar. – Thank you for paying attention
to that detail. – Also wanna thank you for
letting me rip butts in the house. I go, it makes the end of
the world a whole lot easier. – I would eat cookies.
– There they are, there’s the quests.
– Yeah. What’s that, you’d eat what? – I would eat a box of cookies. – Oh, you bad girl.
– Just sugar. Like a real Coke… can of Coke. – ‘Cause I might
do that tonight. (laughter) Like, that’s the debate I have
in my head at night every night. – Isn’t that weird to know that
you’re Jacob’s apocalypse plan? That’s what going off
the diet is, is Jacob’s going apocalypse,
and he goes, “I would eat ice cream
right before bed.” – Can I tell you something
that exists that’s mind-blowing? And we had to do a drastic
measure last night. Sunday was cheat day,
and we ordered stuff. There’s a place called
Ray’s Candy Store. – Mm-hmm.
– In our neighborhood, around the corner,
that will deliver to us. – Mm-hmm.
– What we ordered was a small order of
deep fried Oreos. – Great.
– Which I assume was gonna be… – We were on the phone
when you were waiting for it to be delivered.
– I figured it was gonna be two to four of them, I assume.
It was a small order. And I’d get an order
of deep fried Twinkies. – You were going for it.
– Which was an order of two. They give you two of those,
right, Christine? – Yeah.
– Three. – Oh, yeah, that’s right.
The order is three of those. So we get them.
– Trio of death. – But it’s not expensive at all. It shows up, and they give us
like a Clementine’s box… – Yeah.
– …full of fried Oreos. – Yeah! – And we ate… I think we ate two
or three apiece. And that was major restraint.
– Yeah. – The next day,
I was gonna– I’m gonna bring these
to “Legion of Skanks” and just forgot. When I came back,
we heated one up in the microwave
and ate it. It wasn’t quite…
It was still fantastic, but not quite as good.
– Yeah. – And then we went
and smoked a cigarette and both said, “When we go
inside, man, they gotta go in there.” I mean, there was 20 more.
– I said it. – And they’re this big.
It’s like charcoal… Dude, they were so fucking good. – It’s the kinda dessert,
though, where it’s like, “Good, good, good, ouch,
I hate life, this is painful” kinda dessert.
– We had like two of them and you’re like, “Oh, I have
a stomachache.” – That’s what I’m saying.
Like I’ll get that. I’ll see that order
of 20 and I’ll be like, “They know what they’re doing.
That’s how many I want.” And then I eat two and I’m like,
“Ah, does anyone…?” – There’s no way
you can get through it, but I’m telling you just
unconsciously, you can fucking eat five. That’s gotta be just
horrendous for you. – You know what I’m a bad
little stinker with, is brownie brittle.
You can buy it in the airport. – Oh, I’ve seen brownie brittle
before, it looks good. – Let me tell ya,
I will fucking easily walk through a bag,
a big bag. – The things that I’ll go…
– It’s like chips, brownie chips.
– I try not to go through– I try not to go through
bags of chips, if I ever have chips now.
– Agh! – I try not to go through
a whole thing of candy, if I go through it now.
But one thing I will… Oh, Jesus, look at those
fucking things. Um, any kinda like dry–
like a– if I get like
a bag of dried mango… – Mm-hmm.
– The whole thing’s gone. There’s no… going back
to dried mango. You know what I mean,
if I open it up, I’m just gonna keep eating that
until I’m done with it. – So this place delivers candy
to you? – I– I don’t know about candy,
but deep fried they’ll do. It’s Twix…
– Yeah, apparently it’s like a New York
institution, this place, and it’s a little hole
in the wall. – Banana Nutella milkshakes.
– That’s pretty awesome. I’m gonna have to stop by…
It’s right by your guys’ house? – (Christine) Yeah, it’s by–
Yeah, it’s on like… – I guess so, yeah,
by Gas Digital. – It’s in the East Village.
It’s on like 6th and A, I think. – Yeah.
– Buddy, the deep fried Oreos were…
– Jacob, would you go deep fried Oreos
for the apocalypse? – Yeah, for the–
Hell, yeah. – Look at the manual.
– Simple carbs… and H. – You just want– And H?
And heroin? Sweet. Sweet heroin. – That’s all I want.
– Simple carbs and brown, okay? – He goes, “Mr. Brownstone
and some deep fried Oreos.” So you’re just gonna fucking
boot off and eat chocolate and then hope you don’t wake up?
– Yeah. – That’s pretty sweet.
– I mean, that’s the way to go. – Black Lou, what’s your…
– You should treat yourself to a deep fried Oreo
in the current era… – Even that on a cheat day is…
– It’s a lot. – It’s a lot.
– Yeah, no, I’m not gonna lie, it’s a lot. – Did you tell him
we got a milkshake, too? – No, we got a milkshake.
– That’s a lot. – But we also threw that out.
We both took a couple sips and threw it out ’cause
we’re like, “What are we doing?” – Why did you guys waste
a good milkshake? – ‘Cause it’s just too much.
– It had to go in the trash. It had to.
– (laughs) We bought it,
it had to go. – We made, uh, stone decisions and then we were both like,
all right, we can’t. – Yeah, that’s a stone order.
– It’s like, I can’t. Like if I do,
if I go with my… It’s the same reason
I haven’t eaten, uh, six slices of pizza in a sitting
since I’ve been like, I guess, probably
in my 30s or so, ’cause I’m like, you just don’t
eat five slic– I want to. – I just am such a big…
– I still want to. – I’m a milkshake fan. So the way I look
at that order is, milkshake first,
maybe a fried Oreo. You know, you do
the milkshake… – I was loving the milkshake.
– Sure… But my thought process always,
if I went and ordered like a pizza myself, I would never get
just a small, probably. I would always be at least
a medium. I’m talking
about franchise places. And the idea was to just
eat it yourself. – Yeah, franchise
like a Domino’s? – But when you sit down
to a pizza, you’re like, well, the pizza
goes until it’s finished. – Yeah.
– If it’s just me, I’m gonna keep eating pizza,
I guess. – I had a lot of pained nights
’cause of Domino’s, ’cause of that where I’m like,
I got a medium. I could eat the whole thing
even if I didn’t want it. And I got cheesy bread. – Yeah, of course, exactly.
And you just finish… – And Cinna Stix.
– You just fit… But someone who naturally
doesn’t do that, they’re not working
towards that. I’ve watched– we watched that–
Christine gets mad at like girls that come over
our house all the time. It’s like friends of hers
or anything that are like– Like Karen now, tiny Karen is.
– Yeah. – She goes,
“Oh, it’s no mystery.” Like Karen ate a, uh,
a chocolate chip cookie… – Yeah.
– Like the one that you’d get… – Over the course of like
an hour. – The one that you would like
put and like see if you can like get it to like
frame the inside of your teeth. (laughter)
You know what I’m talking about? Where you see if you can fit it
right into the actual lining of your teeth and put
the whole thing in your mouth and let it soak for a second
before you bust it with your tongue.
– Yeah. – She’s on that same cookie
for 15 minutes. – Yeah.
– ‘Cause she actually picks it up at points and goes,
nibble, and puts it back down. And I go, that doesn’t
even make any sense. – There’s nothing better
than snapping a cookie in half, like Bane over Batman,
over your knee. I’ll dunk it in milk
and then pull it in, just crack! With my fucking
dumb big tongue. I’ll just fucking snap
that shit. – I couldn’t even tell you
the thickness of one Pringle because I reach down
and then my two fingers… – (laughing)
– …snag whatever they can snag and then that stack
goes in my face. – Like an armadillo, you fucking get your little
fingers in there. – Oh, the least you’re gonna
get out of me is two, and that’ll be
if I flip one around and I make the duck bill
with it. – Yeah, as a fun kissy face?
– Yeah, I go… And then– and then that’s it. Besides that, they’re going in
three-, four-a-stack Pringles. What’s the sense? – I’m walking through
Tate’s cookies. You line up four in front of me,
that’s nothing. – You open a rack,
you’re eating them. That’s why it’s not
a resealable rack. – Yeah, dude, I’ll do
half a rack on my head. – Yeah.
– I don’t give a shit. – You finish a rack.
You open them up, you’re finishing a rack.
– Are Tate’s nationwide? Or are they only East Coast?
– I don’t know, but they’re very pop– they’ve gotten…
– I think they are now. – …extremely popular now.
– Cause, man, when I got onto Tate’s cookies,
dunking them in milk, that’s the thing,
you’d eat a whole rack– you’d eat half a rack
and you’d be like, “Did I just take down
this whole bag?” I gained so much weight. ‘Cause my girlfriend
moved to L.A., and I would just eat
a bag of Tate’s cookies a night with milk.
– That was your love. – I was just like…
(mimics dunking) Crack!
Ah, there they are. – Buddy, have you ever had
a fried Oreo? – At “The Bon.”
Yeah, yeah, of course. Come on…
– I haven’t… – You think I’ve been
to this many carnivals and I haven’t had a fried Oreo? – Until sort of recently
in my life, it sounded like a gross idea.
– No, it’s great. They do fried Snickers at…
– They have that there, too. – Yeah, it’s really good. – Fried 3 Musketeers, I think.
– Ho! I’m gonna have to go
by this place. – Buddy, fried– everyone here’s
had a fried Oreo? – No…
– Never? – We were gonna bring ’em,
but I had to throw ’em away. – Lynn’s nodding.
I mean, it’s unbeliev… It’s funnel cake wrapped
around… – Yeah.
– And it’s like that kinda crispy and–
It’s unbelievable. – Let me ask this.
– It’s unbelievable. – This is just a stoner
working off his brain. Are there fried
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? – This place…
– Holy… – …we didn’t get them.
– (exclaiming) What?! – We thought it would be
overkill… – It’s not overkill.
– …between our milkshakes, cookie, uh, bucket
of fried Oreos… – Yeah.
– …and three fried Twinkies. – You’re– you’re eating
like a kid who got left alone. – I’ll tell you this,
fried Twinkie, not quite as impressed with.
– Really? – I don’t like
what the cream does. (Christine)
I love the fried Twinkie. – The cream turns yellow,
which is weird. – A house divided. – Yeah, it looks like pus.
– Okay. – Nah, it gets gross.
(Christine chuckles) – I’m a– I’m a jelly-filled
doughnut guy, though. – Oh, this is race– it’s
a New York City institution. Look at that.
– Yeah. Ray’s Candy Store. – I mean, Zeppole now seems–
Oh, by the way, and the fried Oreos at this
place– maybe they all do– seem to have a weird little
tail on them that you can hold it. And the tail made of,
like, fried. – Yeah, and that falls off and
you gets powdered sugar on it and then you can eat those and pretend like
you’re not eating those. – The bottom of the whole basket
becomes a thing of fried. – (gasps)
– Oh… – You just grab a handful
of fried and sugar. – Like coke? Like you’re talking
about how to do the coke– – Yeah! That’s my coke.
– You go… (munching) – Yo, you wanna do a bump of
some fried and powdered sugar? Hey, you know, I’m doing, no
matter what. (inhales deeply) – Jay, these three fried peanut
butter cups I had are hurting me. I really, though, want that.
– You have to have it. – For the Super Bowl, are you
going to a friend’s house? – Yeah.
– Possibly. – Yeah? – Are you going
to the same friend? – Yeah. You should bring those. – Yeah, yeah, I will. – (whispering) Yeah…
– Because I couldn’t– assume a large order,
I’m gonna need a wagon to carry. – Oh, you’re gonna
need me, dude. – I also think we ordered
when they were closing in like a half hour,
and I think they were just– dumped this like– I think
they did the cool thing. – Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah.
– Did you ever have a friend work at a fast food place…
– One of the best– – …and you swing through
the drive-thru five minutes
before it’s closing, and they just give you
a felonious amount of food. – Yeah.
– I used to fuckin’ just tear– I mean, like, I never even
thought about that. Just ripping through, I would
fry Wawa apple fritters. – Jinja Ninja coming through,
saying– – Jinja Ninja,
I mean that might be the greatest idea of all time.
– They are fried. – They are fried?
– Yeah, they’re like donuts. – How ’bout you double fry ’em?
– Right, but now you fry them with funnel cake around them.
– (laughter) – Fry the fry. – Get your fuckin’ head
out of your ass, Jacob. – What if I told you
the fry was… – Inverted?
– Inverted. – Jinja Ninja, don’t let Jacob
fuckin’ shit on your picnic. That was a fantastic idea. – I’ll defend to the death
my… my freedom to fart. – You have the freedom to fart. We’re arguing
two different things here. – I don’t think we are.
– I’m blown away– no pun intended.
– (laughing) Yeah. – By your willingness to–
again, it’s me– If I ripped ass
real big right here… – I think it’d be hilarious.
– Here’s the thing. I would do it in the right
circumstance with the grouping we have–
– That’s what I’m saying. – No, no, no, no. No Ly–
and probably no Corey, too. – Cor… I feel like we’ve–
we’ve– I would feel more– If I did it first
or second episode of them being in the room,
if I fart, I’d feel– I’d feel like a crazy person.
I’d be like, “That’s nuts.” But I said, it’s a term
of endearment. It’s a feeling that I feel
comfortable enough around you to open my butt.
– You’ve ripped ass the same way you just did with Becky
Rodriguez sitting right there. – ‘Cause I know
there’s the wall. I gotta fuckin’–
– How do you think gas works? – I gotta back stop.
– How do you think gas… – I’m peppering the fence.
– …fills up a room? How do you think it happens?
– It goes out and up. – You think your fart just
falls to the ground? – Maybe.
– It’s like hot air. – No, no, no, it’s–
– Heat rises. – And here’s the thing,
Christine’s heard me fart, and actually has expressed
a thing where she’s– she’s said something about me
farting before that is– I’ve done it more now
in the last year than– – Yeah, we talked
about it last time. – Yeah. So I said to her,
in the new year, I’m gonna try not to like fart
around her like that so much. Now… that’s the thing.
But it was Christine. And I was with Christine, and I
wouldn’t have thought much about farting in front of her, that she would have had
a problem with it. The fact that you fart
in front of her is mind-blowing. – I mean, I fart in front
of my girlfriend. – When I meet your chick,
there’s no way I would fart– – She farts in front of me.
She’s farted in front of me. I don’t freak out.
– You don’t have to freak out. Christine’s farted
in front of me several times. – I mean, I’m not shitting– I’m
not like rubbing her face in it. But if I’m just–
I’ll just crack one randomly. I’m not doing it all the time. But a fart every month, one–
a fart a month? Pretty funny. – You fart– you fart
on this show… – I probably didn’t fart
for at least two months. Check the tapes.
– …almost daily. – Check the fuckin’ tapes.
I do not. I do not fart daily. – Almost daily. In two months,
we– we pointed it out when you cracked ass on Ducky.
– That was December. That was December,
that’s a month. – Are you doing
technical months? – I know, listen, it’s like
rollover minutes. Sometimes I get fart roller. – Then how long… till you farted
in front of your girlfriend? – Uh, three months?
We’d hung out a couple times. We’d hung–
– What’s the move? – I just farted and laughed. (laughter) And then you find out–
you really kind of find out if they’re down with it or not. I’ve had girls that are like,
“That’s fucking disgusting.” – You went, “Brrrm!
Where are we?” – (chuckling) Yeah.
Yeah, I gave her the fuckin’ half thumb,
up or down. “What’s goin’ on?”
But I’ve had girls… – So for you, it’s a test.
– Yeah, I’ve had girls– – One time,
you’re rolling the dice. – I explained this the last time
this happened. I don’t know if it’s because
I grew up, just my mom and I, and she would fart–
dude, my mom farted in front of one of my girlfriends
in one of the funniest ways. It’s one of the hardest
I’ve ever laughed in my life. And my mom never realized
that she farted. She unintentionally farted
to get up to walk her dogs. She’s like, “I’m gonna walk
the dogs.” (fart noise) And ripped one in front
of my ex-girlfriend and I, and we laughed about it hard. – Yeah.
– Hard, for a good three months. And eventually, like, she was
like a, you know, a good-looking girl,
and she would– she would– she occasionally tooted,
but I wouldn’t… I had an ex-girlfriend
that I farted in front of, she’s like, “That’s disgusting.”
You know, like, “All right, “then I’ll go in the other room
when I fart. I’ll go in the bathroom
and turn on the sink.” Which feels odd. – Yeah, I don’t think
a girlfriend… – It feels weird to be like,
“I’m sorry my butt makes noise.” – …run away from a girlfriend. – I think that’s-
I think that’s silly. I think
that’s fuckin’ silly. – Gotta keep it sexy, Dan.
Can’t be a chick sittin’ around fartin’.
– No, but I’m not saying just sitting around farting,
but if I can’t you farting, it’s like, I don’t know,
it seems like such an old-timey thing of like,
“Ladies don’t make noises.” – Oh, no, she makes noise,
that’s fine. But as much as she goes away
to fart, Christine… – Then it’s so obvious.
– If those farts were happening, though, in front of me,
I’d rather her do ’em somewhere else.
– Okay. There you go, you want– – I’d be probably getting
six, seven a night. – Go shoot your gun in the dirt.
– Well, you gotta remember, our time, me and Christine,
you know what it is? – (laughs) Just go fire it where
it ain’t gonna hurt no one. – Me and Christine,
also, our schedules are kinda like on track,
so you have to understand, we– when we watch TV together
at night. – Yeah.
– So if I only watch, like, you know, two, there hours
TV or something, uh, a night, when I get home at late night, it’s just me and her sitting
there, which is one time when you do all your farting.
– Yeah. – So I don’t want Christine–
If she– if it happened once, uh, here and there,
whatever, who cares? But if nightly she’s
cracking four farts on me, I’d be over it quick.
– There’s no away a sexual partner of mine
would ever see me fart the way I fart
in a hotel room on the road when I’m by myself,
if I’m gassy. – Mm-hmm.
– ‘Cause I’m just ripping it. It’s just– I’m streamlining. – Yeah, you spread
a check and stuff. – Yeah, but I’m cracking it
and waving it, laughing. It’s getting kicked back up,
barbecue style. – I think it would be
in front of Christine and if– if I was you, Christine
and Lynn would be my issue. And for me,
it would be Lynn only. – Oh, well, I feel comfortable
enough with Corey and Lynn that I feel like I can fart,
and they won’t be upset at me. – Well, they’re not gonna
tell you they’re upset, or they’d make a weird
working environment. – I didn’t mean to– I’m sorry. Did I just “Louis” them
with farts? – Yeah, you might just
get Me Too’d. You just assume
everybody loves farts. – Did I just– I am sorry
if I “Louis’d” you guys. – You used your power. You know
they know that you’re a legend. You said it to me.
– (laughter) – We admire you.
– They work on another show. – You’re a genius of comedy.
You’ve said this to them. And you abused
your genius powers. – They work on “YouUp,”
and they go, “We like working with Nikki ’cause she doesn’t force us
to film her farts.” “That’s no true at all, it was
during a commercial break, “and I thought it’d be funny to make you laugh
during a commercial.” “Why are we doing this?” – And they shamed you.
– Yeah. – You cracked ass
during the read. You’re like, “Hello, Freeesh!” – Tell me what’s wrong
with that timing. – Oh, my God.
– Tell me that’s not incredible timing.
And you’re right. ‘Cause what most people don’t
realize about working in radio is that it’s a hungry job.
I mean it. “HelloFresh. They take
the guesswork out of cooking by offering a wide-ranging–”
– But they put the gas work in. – They do. Get it?
They fuel you up. Classics that we know and love
like chipotle spiced steak or gorgeous greens– – Ooh, that’s coming out
sideways.(fart noise)(woman)
Oh, my God!
– Oh, my God.
– Oh, my God. – Oh, my God.
– (Chris Farley)Oh, my God.– Oh, my God.
– Dan? –(fart)
– Maybe you could do a commercial for them
like that, where you just, like,
do it, and you– After you fart,
that’s what you say, go, “Brrrrap,” you say,
“Hello, Fresh.” – Hi, I’m Dan Soder
from “Billions.” And when I’m on set pretending that
I’m working the stock market– – (fart noise)
– –“Hello, Fresh” is working my intestines.
– “Hello, Fresh.” – “Hello, Fresh.” Or they let me,
I get so– I get so sanctimonious
and narcissistic I direct the commercial.
I go, “Pan under my butt. Back up,
it’s my butt.” – “Goodbye, Fresh.”
– (fart noise) (whispering)
Goodbye… I go– I go…
– Goodbye, Fresh. – …in a simple dog fart,
fresh… (both laughing) – Fresh… – (Dan laughing)
– Hello, fresh. – Hello– goodbye, Fresh. (hissing)
(fart) Oh, man, uh… – I’m not upset
with you at all. – Okay.
– Uh… – I just wanna
apologize to Lynn and Christine and Corey. I’m sorry if I made you
feel uncomfortable with my butt noise. Black Lou,
it was not aimed at you. It was not a meaning
of disrespect. White Lou, if you smelt it,
I dealt it. Jay–
– Also, yeah, some people don’t– like–
Learn to love me. – I am not– I am not
into smelling other dudes’ farts at all. – Jay, I hear you. Now I understand
how you feel. I want to apologize for forcing you
to smell my farts when you didn’t want to.
– I’m just saying, it made me feel gay.
– Jay– – You’re making me
smell dude farts. You know, that makes me
feel gay, man. – Jay, hold on. And I understand
where you’re coming from. – I’m just not a gay,
just know that. – Jay, look at me.
– Just know it. I am sorry for putting you
in that situation. I feel like sometimes I need
to express myself through farting. And I can see how that would hurt
other people, including you. I’m sorry
for smelling my farts, and if it makes you feel gay,
we can explore that. – Dan, shut up. – Come here.
– Just… shut up. – Shut your damn mouth,
come over here, and kiss me. – You had me
at “Hello, Fresh.” – (laughing) Yeah.
– Scene! – Scene!
– Come on! – Tell all–
– Send that to them, Jacob! Send that to them!
– You’re welcome. You’re fuckin’ welcome. You guys said
“food in a box,” be appreciative
of pure art. – So, this is
kind of what we do out here. Dan looks at his phone and… – Oh, the one time
I’m looking at my phone and Jay’s not– at least
I have a conversation while I look at my phone,
unlike Jay. Who will just stop talking the second
he looks at his phone. Christine’s nodding yes,
you can’t see it, it’s off-camera.
– But she can’t wait to jump behind my friends
and come at me. ♪♪ (hard rock) (fire crackling) – The things I’ve done
for this woman. – I hot-tagged,
she’s always like a tag team, like a hot tag, where I’m like,
Christine! And she’s like, okay, okay!
She’s got it fuckin’ built up. – Not even figuratively
or metaphorically. She went, “Yeah, Jay,
you do do that all the time.” – You do–
You give him the Brick? – I went, holy shit.
– That’s what– That’s what Brick does in “Anchorman.”
– Yeah, Brick, man, he’s over laughing with them?
– He goes– (laughing) and you’re like, Christine?
And she’s like, huh? Oh! – The ultimate betrayal. (coughing, spitting) – No blood.
– Yeah, she has no loyalty. I fired my managers
and, twice, because they were
mean to Christine. That’s loyalty, though. (background laughter) Some say
it’s a very sexy quality. I see Lynn fuckin’
head-to-toeing me right now. – What? – A man that fuckin’ goes
to bat for ya? – She goes, phew. A stand-up guy?
A man of honor? – She goes, you know
what you do, Jay? You look at your phone–
she’s over there going, right? All the fuckin’ time.
– She was hype-manning me. – Yeah.
– She was going like this. (background laughter) Okay, well,
let’s get out of here. (voice)
Six minutes. – Doug E. Fresh,
you’re on. – I didn’t even put it together.
– I thought that was Jacob. – You fuckin’ lit
without me? – (laughing) – Guys, this is good,
but I need to see a little more emotion
out of Jacob. – Now, Jay,
when I dip down, do you want me to dip him
in front of the door? – I’d say just make it look
real passionate. Passion. No, too much Jacob now. – I remember walking over here,
watching a guy film a rap video, and I was like,
what kind of asshole? And I was like, “It looks like
we’re filming a rap video.” – All right, so anyway.
– So, get up there. – (laughing)
– Yeah, Jay’s up. – You gotta be here. And we’re both
throwing hands. – (laughing) Bounce it
on my hand. (laughing) Bounce your butt
on my hand. Erotically. – Wait, with
both top teeth. – (laughing) – Dude, that’s a good video. Let’s Eskimo kiss. Let’s go hard–
– Come up here? – Yeah. Like… (background laughter) – We got it.
Room tone. – Ladies and gentlemen.
– (woman) Great job. – Room tone!
– Rome tone. – Guys, room tone.
Long enough for room tone? – You think your friends
would dig this video? Then share it with them. And tell them
to rate and review and, you know, make us
feel good about ourselves. – You tell a friend,
they tell two friends. Yeah, it’s a pyramid scheme
of a radio show. – Becomes a whole thing,
I got some Cutco knives also, if you’re interested.
– Ooh, I got Spyderco. So, come– come to me
if you want the real one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *