The Worst Parts of Living in New York City (feat. Nore Davis)
– Has anyone in this room
confidently sent one and been like, there it is.
– Ah. – Like, sent one where
you were like this looks good, I feel like the reaction
I’m gonna get back… – Never once ever
have I sent a dick pic ever where it wasn’t the person
saying like, I would like
to see a dick pic. I would never just go
like, here. What do you think of this? – No, that’s what I mean. But even with the green light,
land the plane, have you sent a dick pic,
been like, this is good. I’ve always sent like– – I think– I think
for the longest time, forever, I just had like one. It was the best shot
I could get, I think. – Yeah.
– And it was universal. – They are like headshots. They’re a lot like headshots.
You get one and then you don’t get one
for a couple of years. And you go,
I gotta update this thing. I don’t have that couch anymore.
– Yeah, I do. Me and my dick don’t have
ponytails anymore. ♪♪ (fire crackling) – There he is, Black Lou. Oh, you brought down
the blankets, Black Lou? You didn’t have to– I said
I would go get the blankets. You’re the best. – A story we never got to– – He’s so masculine.
– Ah, yeah. He’s the only masculine person
on our entire staff. – Which is a good segue. – We’re just all– yeah,
you killed what kind of rodent? – Two mice. – Two mice!?
– Two! – Two mice.
– Shut up. What, did you
just pick them both up and clunk their heads
together? – Like Hulk Hogan used to do?
– Yeah. – He goes… (clunk). Where are you guys going,
brother? – Looks like this,
just going… Just mushing their
little heads together. – Where were you?
– I was at home. – Where were the mice?
– Oh. – In my kitchen.
Yeah, they were coming out… – They’re what?
Swimming in Kool-Aid. – Shit, they were
just chilling, yeah. I had to buy sticky pads. – You had to– Oh!
You bought the stick traps. – Yeah.
– So when you woke up they were stuck.
– They were stuck. – Yeah, dude, suffering.
– Oh, damn. – Ah, that’s a tough one. – Did any of them try to run
out of his own fucking body? ‘Cause they do that.
– Yeah, when it saw me coming, it started moving
and like… (squeaking) – Oh, that’s the best, dude. I want their skeletons to break
out of their skin they’re trying
so hard to walk. Get out of my house! – I said this, when I worked
at Dos Caminos we had one of those
sticking traps, and the waiters came in
to do it, and the porters were
still around, you know, cleaning from the night before,
and we– – They’d always catch
the porters in the traps. – Please, help me out.
Help me out. And I’m like, give me your hand!
– It’s too late for you. The glue is in.
– Please help me out of here. I go, give me your hand.
Give me your hand! – You’re gonna have to bite
your fucking hand off, porter, or you’re not getting
out of that thing. – This dude just–
I just remember this, one of the waitresses
went around and was like, oh my God, there’s a mouse!
And he just– before she could finish,
walked over, took his shoe off,
and went wham! – Oh! Damn.
– And just slammed it down. And then put his shoe back on
and was like… (whoosh)
…into the trash. Like, didn’t even break stride. – My ex-wife’s maid of honor
at our wedding was a person who
I heard killed a mouse, yeah, by like stepping on it. A girl doing that.
That’s crazy. That’s way too icky
for me to handle. – How did you–
When it happened, when you found them,
were you like… – You just put ’em
in the trash, right? – I put ’em in the trash
but I put ’em, like, towards the top of the trash
and kind of laid it down. And then I just jumped
in the air and just– – On the trash bag?
– On the trash bag. (others gasping) – Dude, that mouse was like–
– Man, that’s brutal. – That is kind of cold,
’cause that mouse– you think that mouse saw the,
you know, the bag shut and went, thank you,
I’ll die here in peace. – So the way I killed a mouse
in my apartment was last year. I caught it.
It was between my desk. (fire crackling)
And I put it between the dust pan and the broom.
– Okay. – I live on the 17th floor. And so I went to the balcony
and I just let him go. – No.
– Did you watch him? – I remember regretting it.
– Sorry, Jacob’s part mouse. – Did he do this thing?
Did you see him do this? – Yes! He fell backwards
on his back like “Die Hard.” – That’s what I was gonna say!
Hans from “Die Hard.” – Like Hans from “Die Hard,”
looking at me like, no! – Or fucking “Robocop”?
– Yeah. I felt so ba– I was like, damn,
I could have… – Dude, you should’ve–
– I could’ve did what he did. Like put him in the trash.
– No. – I would’ve tried to gun it
across the street. – And then his body disappeared
into the bushes. And then, that was it.
– What if he survived? What if he comes back for you?
– Yeah, right, he’s looking… – He may have, by the way.
They have very soft bones. – He try and clock into
the building. – How far high up?
– 17th floor. 17 floors up. – Christine, see if a mouse
survives… By the way, if anybody
was walking down low and it rained one mouse that
exploded in front of them… – If a mouse hit you
when you’re just outside… – Aah!
On your fucking shoulder?! – Yeah, I don’t even know if
anybody was down there, but… – How did you not quote
“Die Hard” when you were killing the mouse?
– Yeah, right? – You go,
come to my kitchen, we’ll have a cup of coffee.
Come out to L.A. – Your fiancée was like,
what happened to the mouse? You went, I let him go.
– Yeah. I had to let him go. – Fucking “Commando” that shit.
– Yeah. You should have done that.
– I let him go. – Oh, looks like you–
– Yeah, man, I– I regret that to this day.
– What, dropping him? – That’s kind of sad.
Yeah. I feel I should have did
what he did, just put him in the trash can.
– No, man, Lou– – Dude, you should have
wrapped him in aluminum foil and gunned him across the street
like a baseball. I have no sympathy for mice,
any kind of rodent, don’t care. – Don’t care, but you can’t
kill ’em, though. – I hope it dies.
Don’t wanna touch him. – Yeah.
– Don’t wanna touch him. If I came home and there was
a dead rat in my house, I’d go, the house belongs to him now.
– Hilarious. – Let’s pack it up
and move around it. – This is yours.
– This house is his house. – I’ll even take the area rug
if we cut the square out that the dead rat is on.
– Man, I– – A rat in my house?
Hell no. – I’ve told this story before,
but one of the only times I’ve ever been like
fucking get away from me. It was like August. I was at the West Fourth
train stop going up, you know, on like where Third Street is
and there’s that long ramp– I’ve told this story before
on the show, but it was going up– it was
like maybe 100 degrees outside. Brutally hot down there. There was a rat walking up
the side wall with half of its fur off
and it was just like… (groaning).
And it kept– – He looked at you,
he’s like, it’s hot as a bitch
out there, huh? Oh! – He kept crossing, whatever. And you’d see people be like,
fuck! Fuck! And I was like,
what are people freaking out– ’cause I was walking off
the E train and I’m like
where the fuck am I– Oh, my God! And you see it.
– (squeaking) – And it’s just like…
(grunting and panting) – Brains! Brains!
– Walking up that side wall. I was like, oh fuck!
And I did the very feminine– as I ran by, I went…
– (both shrieking) – The little squeal like…
(squeals) – I went– yeah!
Except I went… (squeals) – I was smoking a cigarette on
my stoop the other night by my– and a mouse just ran across
the bottom step like behind my feet.
– Oh! – You know, like knees bent,
you know, sitting on stairs. And it ran like under
the thing– just like a small little mouse,
but still I do the whole, ooh! And then I’m standing
the rest of that cigarette. And on the lookout. I’m like, where is this thing?
– He’s looking at you, I was gonna ask you for a smoke,
but fuck. – Yeah. Sorry, fucking
freaking out on me. – The fact that Christine
has moved on with her life from the day that a rat ran
right up between her legs and up her fucking torso!
– What? No. – Did like a weird
jump in the air and ran back– – Nah.
– It didn’t run up me, like, it ran up
where I was sitting. – You’re crazy.
– It Tony Hawk-ed you? – Right up you.
– It gave her a McTwist. – Yeah!
– You don’t know that? – I’m about to Tony Hawk
this girl right here. – It didn’t run on me.
– 100% it did. 100% that rat ran on you.
– You got extreme “ratted.” – Stop.
Don’t be embarrassed now because your black friends
are here. – No! I didn’t know
that happened. – Christine, you got parkoured
by a rat. – Yeah! That’s the best way–
He parkour– Dude, he ran up her–
he ran up her leg like this, and went on the… next to
our stairs, like the concrete. – Have you ever seen a rat
on the train? – And jumped up
and then just took off. But like, it was crazy.
– Oh, yeah, the train. – Yeah, you seen those videos? – I saw Pizza Rat.
I saw that famous one. I always see ’em
in the tracks. – Track’s fine, but I mean
on the actual train. – No.
– There’s like times where, like, people…
– Really? – Yeah.
– What? – Dude, rats getting on
the actual subway. – Why not? At this time,
they have to be smart enough to figure out it’s all a maze.
– Yes. – And like look, I need to get
down to 14th Street. – See, look at this dude.
This dude’s just banging around. – And they need to travel,
just like– – First off, I’d be so worried
if I was that guy in the corner. – Ooh! – Well, I’ll tell you
what I would do. I would start
head-butting the glass to get out of this train
while it’s moving. – Look at him go.
Look at him go! – Dude, fuck that.
– Yow! @TheBonfireSXM we’ll tweet out this video–
Oh, fuck! – I’ve seen it, everybody just
jumps on the chairs and it’s a nightmare.
– You’ve seen it? – Yeah.
– On a train? – Yeah.
– Oh, they got a lot… – For this rea–
Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Dan,
’cause you’ve just solidified, I will never once ever again
step on a New York City train. (all whooping) – Oh-oh, now that shit too long.
Not your Timbs, bro. – Christine, bring up videos
of rats being aggressive. – No, don’t do that.
– Yeah. – I don’t want to see videos
of rats being aggressive. – Dude, I leased a car and
we brought it in for service, and they already said that
rats go in and– we had to put mothballs
in our fucking engine because rats just eat the wires
of your engine in New York City.
– Aren’t there something like more rats than humans
in New York City? – Why not? Probably like that.
And cockroaches. I mean, when Armageddon comes,
baby, then gonna be fine. – Oh, dude, rats and cockroaches
versus us? – We knew y’all had to come
down here with us… – It’s the vampires versus
lycans of the inner city. – Yeah, yeah.
It really is, man. We’re gonna be downstairs
and the rats are gonna be like, what do you think,
you can come down these tunnels? – Yeah, right.
Why y’all down here? – You guys burned the upstairs.
– That movie with Judge Dredd. – We’re trying to bring back
the chosen one. – With Wesley Snipes.
– “Demolition Man.” – “Demolition Man,” right?
– Where they eat the rat burger. This is a good hamburger. – Denis Leary’s like,
we down here, man. – He goes, let me get
a hamburger. Let me get some ketchup on it.
– Denis Leary. (inhales) It’s a rat burger, okay? – Then he goes, I’m Denis Leary.
I’m angry. Bill Hicks died,
but I’m doing Bill Hicks. – I’ll take the burger.
That’s not beef. – Yeah, he’s like,
this is really good. Where do you guys get your cows?
I am the law! – Did you find aggressive rats? – Don’t do aggressive rats.
– No, I’m looking up numbers for it, but it’s not…
– Oh, rat numbers! – Rat numbers.
– It’s really unclear. – Welcome to Rat Talk,
on “The Bonfire.” (squeaking)
– Yeah. – 250,000 to tens of millions.
– Oh, yeah, that’s a– yeah. – It’s probably somewhere in
the gray area, though. – I had my first apartment ever
in New York in Bushwick. I had an air mattress
on the floor and I moved the air mattress
and there were two little mice like under it.
And I had stuff on the– – Dead?
– No. Alive. – So they were just chilling.
– I trapped ’em with a cup and then like put something
underneath and went… – And made ’em
into a nice broth. – That just seemed way less
worse than killing it. – I ate their liver
with a nice chianti beans. – When you flicked the mouse
out of your apartment… – Yeah, off the balcony.
– You had… – Between the dust pan
and the broom. – So the dust pan and the broom,
and then did you do the thing? – It was still alive.
– Did you go like… – When you tell the story,
though, you should tell it where it’s like he was gripping
onto the railing, and you slowly
worked his fingers, like… He’s like, Nore, please.
There’s still time. – To go!
– He’s doing this move, when you’re hitting him
with one hand, he grabs it with the other hand.
He’s like, come on, man! Think about what you’re doing!
This is 17 floors up, no! – It’s newly gentrified! – They’re gonna think
I brought you! – I feel like you should do
full “Cliffhanger” and put a little
leather glove on him and then hold his hand.
– Hilarious. – And then you go,
I’m losing your grip. – And then the glove
come off you! All you see is– the only way
you can follow the mouse is ’cause a giant glove
is covering it. – This is fun.
– No! – Man, you don’t understand
how dramatic that shit was, man. To this day I still have
the visual in my head of the little– on his…
And his belly was white. He had a white stripe
and brown hair. – Oh, that’s so funny.
Your fiancée icing your chest in the middle of the night
’cause you have a nightmare. (panting) – She’s like, what happened?
Did you see his face again? Like… yeah.
– Yeah, right. – Why’d I let him go?
Why? – Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck, he’s coming back! – He puts his hand out
to save it. He goes, I got you!
It’s… (sighs) Nore, you’re gonna have to
go see the doctor. – PetSmart’s right down
the street! PetSmart’s right there!
Could’ve just let him go. – There’s a rainstorm and just
a fucking flash of lightning, and you see a mouse
on the fucking windowsill. – Hilarious.
(mimics thunder crashing) – He goes, I’m telling you,
he knows. It’s the ten year anniversary
of me throwing that mouse off. – I’m flying to L.A.,
he’s on the plane. He’s on the wing
and lightning strikes. – He goes, sir, you’ve been
upgraded to first class. You go, everything’s working out
pretty all right. You just sit down, and he’s just
the other seat in first class. – Oh, man.
– (gasps) – What’s that movie
I’m thinking of with like… – Oh, yeah, “Twilight Zone.”
– “Twilight…,” okay, yeah. – Yeah, where the monster’s
on the wing? It’s just a mouse.
– Yeah. – DJ Lou, you’re not afraid
of rodents and shit, are you? Fuck, you just pick up
a fucking mouse and put it in a tortilla
and fucking eat it in front of a chick
to impress some bar pig. – I thought it was gonna
be like “Ben,” where he just picks it up
and he goes, what’s up, buddy? – What’s up, man? – Hey, you want to be
my Willard? I’m playing Willard this week.
– Willard. That’s what–
Isn’t the song “Ben”? – “Ben,” yeah.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – ♪ The two of us need
look no more ♪ – He’s just smoking
a Marlboro Light and he goes, well look who woke up
from his nap. (inhales, exhales) – Hey, little buddy,
get over here. Let’s go to 7-11.
Put him on the shoulder. Let’s go.
– Keep him on his shoulder. – Let’s go.
– Like a parent. – Dude, that movement of just
the crusty… he’d be like, there you go. – Here you go, bud.
And you give him a cracker. – Just to stay there. – He gives him a drag
of a cigarette. – And a little cheese.
Here ya go, bud. – There you go, all right.
– There ya go, bud. – I love Dan.
You the act out king. – Have you killed a,
uh… a mouse in your apartment?
– Uh, I’ve never seen one in somewhere where I’ve lived,
but I’m not afraid of them. I don’t give a fuck.
– I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost. – Really?
– Yeah. I mean, I’m afraid
of anything else. Roaches–
roaches are the worst. – You’re afraid more
of roaches than… – Okay, so you don’t like
waterbugs. – Yeah.
– All right. – Oh, so waterbugs…
– Waterbugs, yeah– like, me and my fiancée’s
old apartment, man, had like waterbugs,
and them things, man. Like, just seeing something
like crawl… – They look like dinosaurs.
– …and then it just starts taking flight, that’s real.
– Dude, the girl I’m dating– the girl I’m dating freaked out
’cause she saw a waterbug, and I was like,
it’s not even a big deal. And she was like,
“It is a big deal,” and I knocked it off the thing.
– It was Mike Vecchione. It was your roommate.
– He goes, “Baby…” – There’s a waterbug.
– Vecchione’s the waterbug? – Yeah, it was Vecchione.
– I go, don’t call it– I go, don’t call Italian–
– And she goes, I saw a waterbug out there, he goes,
“That’s Mike Vecchione.” – …when she freaked over
the waterbug, and I was like, I’ll get it.
– Yeah, yeah. – And I was like, yeah,
all right, yeah, I took care of something.
– I don’t like… – I should also say
the girl I’m dating does call Italians waterbugs.
– Yeah. – It’s a problem.
– What?! – It’s an old racist term.
– It’s her thing. – Holy shit.
– Wow, she’s Sicilian. – You’re dating a 75-year-old
woman? – She’s talking
about the Northerners. – She talks about– she goes,
“Those waterbugs with their pasta and the pizza.”
– “Waterbugs and their pizza.” – We’re a fish country. – Also, she is Italian,
which is funny. Yeah, dude, that’s–
waterbugs I’m not afraid of. Rodents, no thank you.
– Guys, what it is for me, when there’s fur on it,
I can’t fuck with it. A bug– I don’t
particularly like bugs. I don’t even like
killing roaches, I think it’s gross to do that,
but I will… before I let it get away,
my instinct is to go to it. If I see a mouse, my instinct
is to get the fuck away from it, even if it’s in my own place.
– I think a rat’s too much. – Rat’s way too much.
– Way too much, a mouse– – I think a rat could beat me
in a fair fight. – Dude, they knocked down
a building… they, like, knocked down
one of the row houses two doors down from me.
– Oh… – And that just releases
mice everywhere. – And roaches, and everything.
– And everything, and I fucking– I was–
I went to go to the bathroom, and our kitchen’s like right
around the corner from our bathroom, and that’s
where our trash cans are. – Oh God, please don’t be
a rat went in your dickhole. A rat went in your dickhole
’cause their bones collapse. – I went, ooh, ooh…
oh, it’s right in that peehole. – He saw your big fat dickhole
and thought it was a mousehole and went in there?
– (moaning) Baby… – Now we gotta send
a cat in there, dude. – Yeah.
– (meowing) You gotta line it up,
line it up. – Line it up right.
– The mice bring the cat back. I tried to send something.
– Try to get… – Get that shit outta here.
– Your dickhole, just a cat head falls out.
Oh my God! – Oh no! Oh no! – The mice are like,
“Try again.” – Where’s the rest,
and it’s just mice just with toothpicks
in their thing. Where’s the rest of my cat? – I’m leaving the bathroom
and I hear something move in the trashcan,
and I was like… – Oh yeah.
– Aw. – I go no, no, no, it’s like…
– Aw… – 4:00 in the morning,
I’m like, fuck this. I’m not dealing with this.
I just went to bed. I was like, I went back to bed.
I shut the door. – You should’ve–
why didn’t you tape the fucking garbage bag shut? – Almost was like this,
was just like, nah, I’m good. – I’m good, I’m out.
– So I woke up at about 9 a.m. – You thought it was just
maybe a dream? He goes, maybe this–
maybe I didn’t even pee. – Dude, for real.
– Maybe none of this is happening.
– I was like, maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll be gone.
– I still live in Aurora, Colorado.
– You ever seen like… – I’m a teenager, this is like
a “St. Elsewhere.” – He goes, “I’m in high school.” – In front of a New York
comedy club, the Gramercy one, there’s like trash cans always
like on the side of it, and like, there’s a fence,
and there’s always like a little train of mice,
rats running back and forth, under the fence, into the trash,
running back. – I know what
you’re talking about. I know exactly what you’re
talking about. – You know what
I’m talking about? – Yeah.
– Like people just smoking– – If you’re looking at
New York Comedy Club, it’s to the right.
– Yeah. – Yeah, whew.
– It’s just a trail. – Rat alley.
– It’s just… – Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
– It’s their Times Square, just back and forth,
I don’t know what they get from the trash can
and back to the fence. It’s very “Ratatouille.”
It’s very “Ratatouille.” – And they’re always
doing like a– “Don’t stand right
in front of the club.” Like, it’s the only place
where there’s light to keep these monsters
away from me. – These shadow monsters
are gonna eat me if I don’t. But that mouse,
I woke up at like 9 a.m., and I went back out,
and I heard it moving in the trash can. – He’s like,
“Hey, Sleepy Sleeperton.” – He goes, “Well, someone just
wants to waste away the day.” I go, shut up, mice. – It’s my day off.
– I opened the trash can, and then I hit it with
a baseball bat on the side outside, ’cause we
live on the first floor, and the mouse was just like…
he just took off, and I was like, ah! – Yeah, it’ll freeze me
in place. – Yeah, it was just moving
around, and I was like… (groaning) – Did you see where it go?
– Ahh! – What the hell’s…
– Those are yours? Wait, are they… – Aw, that sticky thing
is not… – They look like they’re laid
out like they’re sunning. – Did you bait them
with Honeycomb? – No, that’s– it smells
like peanut butter, so they get attracted to it.
– And they’re– dude, what… – The first one on the left
gave up, and the one on the right
was the one struggling… – Oh, fuck. The one…
– Yo. – You figure they’re about in
the middle of that trap, which means they were like,
“Fucking look at this big pad of peanut butter cheese.”
– Yeah, look at this– what? – Yeah, damn, Black Lou… – Why is it so hard to get this?
Maybe we deserve it. That’s right,
it’ll be a reward for us. It’s getting harder.
– I can’t move my foot. – I can’t– my tail.
– He goes, “Hey, Roger, can you move your foot?”
And he goes, “Fuck, Marty, I’m stuck.” – Is this it?
– Marty, Marty, fuck… fucking keep fighting, Marty, Dude, they gave each other
war speeches. – Yeah, yeah.
– Before Lou smashed ’em in that bag,
where he was like this. He’s like, “Kid,
there ain’t no fight. This is it for us.” “I’m gonna fucking get
out of this.” – I just wanna talk–
I’m impressed with Black Lou’s– – This is my third pad,
I got out of the one before. – I lost my kid to a pad.
– Black Lou’s got fantastic assimilation
into his white in-law’s family. He’s buying peanut butter
flavored decoys? – Whoo!
– Because I’ll tell you what, I just had to throw
the peanut butter on the trap when it’s my game.
– What are those circles? – I don’t have– I’m not buying
peanut butter decoys. – That’s the smell.
– That’s the smell? – Those circles have the smell
of peanut butter in them. – Peanut butter decoys.
– Man, what a trap. – He’s like,
“Next, we have a robot cat we were gonna send out there.” – A robot cat.
– A laser shot. – He goes, “We also have
a pinot noir dunk.” Wine dunk ’em, we don’t know
what’s gonna happen. – You just catch ’em
and keep splashing in a big fucking tank of wine.
– Waterboards ’em with wine. – He goes, even if he gets out,
he ain’t okay. – I mean, if it’s during the day
we’ll do pinot grigio. I’ll do a white wine
waterboarding right now. – I had one tear through
its skin on the glue trap. – Oy.
– That’s how bad it wanted to kill you, dude.
– Damn, it got muscles. – That’s how bad it wanted
to kill you, is so funny. – Just wanted to kill you
so bad, dude, it ripped out of its own body
to get at you. – I’m coming back.
You had the T2 of mice. – Like a fucking
“Army of Darkness,” dude, just fucking mouse skeletons
coming at you. – You can’t just go around
eating trash. “Why?”
“Because you can’t!” “Why?”
– “‘Cause you just can’t, okay?” – “My bones are neuronet
processors. I’m a learning mouse.”
It’s T2. That’s what it was,
when Dory threw it off, he threw the T1000
into the thing. – By the end– by the–
I’d say the eighth floor, the mouse accepted its fate
and just gave a thumbs up. It gave Dane Cook superfingers.
– Hilarious. – It went, “There’s one
last mouse you need to get rid of– me.” No, it was like…
– No! – No!
– Why?! – You said you’d
be there forever. – You said!
– Let’s take our last break. – I kept you safe.
– Nore Davis hanging out. His “Comedy Central Presents”
airs this Friday, 11:30 p.m. Eastern
on Comedy Central. So make sure you go
check it out. Nore’s fucking hilarious,
and it’s awesome. Comedy Central…
– Thank you, Dan, you too. – You know, man, you’re gonna
be– it’s gonna be killer. Go check it– DVR it at least.
At least DVR it. – Yeah, or get the app.
– Get the app. – You got that,
watch it on your phone. – Go get the app.
We’re Comedy Central, we should know about the app.
Get the app. – Get the app.
– You’re listening to Comedy Central,
get the fucking app. – Fucking move, dude. – Have the fucking app.
– Get the app. – Girls on film.
– (humming) – Are you Duran Duran all day? – Buddy, you’re not gonna get
an argument out of me for Duran Duran all day. Cory, you’re a newly
married man, watch your step. This is just what we need,
your wife down here pissing and moaning
that we hurt you ’cause you decide to fucking
parkour it back to the studio. You’re not proving
anything to anyone, and your trust in Lynn
is admirable. A lot of people don’t have
that kind of a trust for a known Jew. Why am I walking by myself? Everyone said we should
get going. ♪♪ I don’t know, we’re supposed
to be filming a thing and everyone’s back there.
– You left without me. – Everyone’s lollygagging.
Did I leave without you or did I follow the crew?
– I waited for you. Remember when I–
– I’m risking life and limb to have this conversation
with you right now. – Remember when I took a dump
and you didn’t wait for me to go to the smoking spot?
I still am scarred by that. – All right.
– All right? – I’m sorry.
– Thank you. That’s all I wanted.
– I said I was sorry. – Hey, if you know–
– Amanda Seales, dude. – Where?
Oh. That was good.
That actually got me. (man shouting)
Mafee! – Hey, old guy. – There he is.
TV’s Mafee, everyone. – I hate you,
I fucking hate you. – What’s in this bag? Fancy Hollywood stuff,
you guys think? What do you think’s in here,
showbiz things? What is it? His Emmy?
– Drop it. – I don’t wanna
hurt your shoulder. – No, dude, drop it.
Just drop it. Sad drop. – What do you– whoa!
What’s in there? Angelina Jolie’s
phone number, you think? – I hate you.
– What do you think’s in there? – I don’t like
crowd pandering Jay. – Hey Jay, who is that?
– Showtimers. That’s Mafee!
– Mafee! – Now Jay’s got friends
of ours coming in. – From TV’s “Billions.”
– Holy shit! – “Billions.”
– That’s right. – Is that the masseuse
from Jerry O’Connell? – Is that a masseuse
from Jerry O’Show? (man shouting)
Everyone, you guys wanna be one degree of separation
from Jerry O’Connell? – All right, let’s go.
– Damn, that was a good head fake, dude.
– Yeah. – You got me right out
of doing it on you. – Ha ha!
– Aw, man. I turned right with you on Sean.
– Woohoo! – We’re brothers, dude.
– Yeah, I know. – We’re bros,
we come at each other. – We’ll bit each other’s necks.
– We can come at each other, but you come at us.
– Yeah, you come in the cave. – You come at– you’re coming
with the Bash Brothers. – With the forearm thing.
– Unh! – Aw, we just joked on you. We won’t do that.
I promise we won’t do that. – I won’t make promises
like that. – You know what we need to start
doing on these videos? Is doing like a, what would
you like to see us do? Comment below.
We haven’t done that. Link and subscribe. – Link and subscribe right here.
– Link and subscribe. – Right there.
– Swipe up. – There it is,
or you can swipe up. Or you can click right here.
– Oh, look at… – Right there where we kissed.
– By the way, I wanna… – Can you guys make it a little
star thing where we kissed? – I wanna let everyone know,
I went in for the kiss harder than Jay did.
– No, you did not. No, I didn’t–
I just– you clammed up. I felt tongue wasn’t coming.
– Oh no, no tongue. Brother kiss.
– On the lips? I’m really happy
you didn’t have a brother. – Dude, we would have fucked. Can you imagine all the hot sex
me and my brother would have? – He goes, yo, this is my bro.
Man, don’t fuck with my bro. And then you just hot make out.
– And I go like this. I go, what are you doing?
Why are you looking… – Goes, this is family, why you
looking like me and shit? – Why do you kinda
look like Mom? – Damn, dude.
– But more like Dad? Why do you kinda look
like Mom and Dad? – Why are you balding young
and I have a full head of hair? – Oh my God.
Why is our bodies completely different
yet the same? – Does it taste the same? – What’s your cum taste like? – Mine’s pineapple-y.
– What’s yours? – We didn’t eat pineapple.
– I go, mm, you got more Mom’s side cum.
– He goes… sour and…
– Sweet, oh! – And they start getting hoodies
that say that on the back, Sour and Sweet.
You go, “What does that mean?” He goes, “Wanna find out?” – They go, “Hey, Rob,
how do your kids– why do they call themselves,
each other Sweet and Sour? He goes, “I caught ’em
69-ing in the act.” – He goes, “They were drinking
each other’s jizz. “It was– you know what, I
didn’t wanna ruin Thanksgiving. I let it go.”
– They love each other so much that they can cum
at the same time. I’m Dan Soder,
that’s Big Jay Oakerson. Joining us, Nore Davis,
his half hour special premieres this Friday,
November 8th, at 11:30 p.m.
on Comedy Central, so go watch it.
– Thank you, Dan. – Nore, you’ve done an hour
before too, right? – Yeah, I did an hour for…
not for, but like, it was independently
for Amazon Prime, yeah. – Yeah, ’cause I know I’ve seen
like an hours of yours on… – Yeah, you guys are dope.
– …on one of my apps. – Yeah.
– Fucking get all those different companies’ monies.
– You guys are dope. – That’s what it is.
– You guys are fan– you’re a big fan
of Pearl Jam, right, is that…? – This man.
– Oh, that’s right, yeah. – Die-hard Pearl Jam fan.
– Are you a big Pearl Jam fan? – I am, I am.
I remember, it was college, and I went to go see ’em
at the Garden, but I bought tickets
off of Craigslist, and they were scammer–
– No! – They were scammer tickets. And I remember getting there,
me and my homie couldn’t get in. And I just remember, like,
this ambition of like, I’m not gonna fucking lose…
– It wasn’t the same girl who was in the picture?
– ‘Cause I remember the song– it was… it wasn’t “Alive.” It was like another great song
they were playing I heard from– You know when you’re outside
getting checked in? – Yeah.
– And you’re like, what? He’s doing “Daughter”?
– Yeah, yeah. – And I’m just gonna go home
and take the L? No! So, I went up to some
black guy, like yo, let me get some tickets.
He’s like, “All right, 500.” I was like, 500?
I’ll give you 400? ‘Cause I already paid 400.
And I just remember like, it’s gonna drain my savings,
but I can’t lose. So I– I went to HSBC ATM…
– How good was the show? – Took out 400, gave it to him,
and the show was fucking– it was great, it was worth it.
– Yeah? – It was worth it.
And that’s when I learned money’s just money.
– There you go. To get an experience.
– I’d say, interestingly enough, when I was figuring out
trying to get, like, hooked up, or to pay for the first
Madison Square Garden UFC, Salvo gave me that thing,
it was like– ’cause he– it was like
someone through him or someone was able to buy it from.
– I remember that. – And he was like–
they were like fourth row on the floor, he’s like, but… he’s like, you know, I think
it was like 1,500 or something a ticket even for that.
– Shit. – And he was like, basically,
that’s the way down, he goes, “Will you think
about that money forever, “or will you be like,
I was at the first ever UFC at the Garden
with Conor McGregor headlining?” I was like, yeah,
it’s a no-brainer. You’re right, you’re right.
– Yeah, that’s true. – And to this day,
is that what you remember? – I don’t think– I mean,
that money’s– I’ve had to spend so many more
thousands of dollars since then. – Yeah, exactly.
– So of course, yeah. – But that’s how I remember…
remember when we went to– – That’s why I’ll spend a little
bit of money on stuff like that. – Yeah, you should.
– ‘Cause I’m like, you know? You need memories, dude.
– Even if it’s a scam. I mean, I was talking
with that guy too, email. I thought it was so legit.
– Like, you son of a bitch. – And that shit–
and I picked it up right there by Stand-Up New York,
and I had a spot. – Oh, you met with the person
and everything? – Met with the fucking dude.
– Looked you in the eye and bullshitted you.
– Yeah, everything, Spanish kid. – You didn’t use the trick
where you light it on fire? – That’s a thing?
– Yeah. – I ain’t even know that.
– What is it? – It looked just like
the Pearl Jam MSG tickets too. – But you gotta light
the corner, and if an ink blot comes after
you burn it, then it’s real. And if it doesn’t,
then it’s fake. – Really?
– But– but that’s– not now. – Not now, this is 10 years ago.
– I was gonna say, tickets now are
pieces of paper. – Yeah, or even digital, right?
– Yeah, you just print it out or have your phone scanned. – But back then,
you should’ve burned that shit. – Yeah.
– Yeah, right, exactly. – But you actually getting
the tickets and going, probably that was the good move,
’cause you enjoyed that show. – Christine, what was the show
we went to like right before they– when every place
was like, okay, we have to go to the digital,
scan it on your phone or paper thing?
‘Cause one of them… – Fucking Barclay’s
for Black Sabbath. It was a whole nightmare.
– Was it Black Sabbath? Yeah, we had our tickets
and it had the barcode on the front, he goes,
“We’re not using barcodes for this one.”
Everyone’s like, that’s… it says it’s the ticket. So they directed everybody
who came thinking a digital– which a lot of people thought.
– Sure. – …to fucking Office–
– Staples. – Staples around the block
to go print it out there, and they were charging
that night… – Wow.
– $18 a fucking print-out. – To print.
– What?! – Wow, each ticket?
– It was a nutty scam. – Wow.
– Wow! Someone made a big payoff
but then got fired. – Staples did it!
– We spent almost $100 in print-outs, whatever,
like 80 bucks almost. – My God.
– Nah, that was Staples. – That’s a great fucking hustle. – And by the way, we said
to ’em, we were like, we said to ’em, I go dude–
we were calling out. I go, this is fucking crazy,
man, what are you doing? And the guy was just like,
“Don’t do it.” – And that’s why Staples
is still open. – Yep.
– And Office Max is gone. – Exactly, Office Max didn’t
have the balls to pull that off. – They didn’t have the balls
to fucking scam people. – You guys didn’t have the nuts
to fucking pull that off. – That’s fucking gross though.
– No, yeah, it’s very. That’s capitalism at its worst.
– The only thing I ever felt that for, too,
which was shitty, was… where you lose faith in humanity
of how we come together in problems and tragedy, was– the only one I lived
through personally where it affected my life
daily was Hurricane Sandy. And just, in that thing, like,
when you got three hours through the line to get gas,
and you get there, and it was like,
it’s like $5.50 a gallon now, all of a sudden, like,
come on, man. You’re fucking people over
like that in this time when it’s like, dude,
everyone’s desperate, man. – Yeah.
– House is underwater and shit, man, and you’re like, come on,
you’re fucking– that’s bad, that’s gross.
– Dude, that’s– yeah. – So disgusting, man.
– And then just– but there’s– you know, it’s like you’re
talking about spending money on situations that you remember
or whatever. – Yeah.
– There’s a guy who remembers doing that during Sandy,
and you wonder if he remembers that,
you know what I mean? When people bring up
Hurricane Sandy, he goes, “You know, a fun story
about that, I own a gas station,
and I increased my gas…” – Pretty little penny.
– To like seven dollars. – You’re gonna see that’s why
my daughter, Kendra, has straight teeth.
That paid for her braces. Some people couldn’t afford
to eat, but I made sure
I raised the gas prices. – That’s fucking weird
opportunism, yeah. But that thing with Barclay–
now, since then… ’cause then after a while, I was
like shell-shocked from that, that I was like, call and make
sure they’re doing digital. And then, you know,
by a certain time you call, and they’d be like, “What?”
– What are you talking about? – Like, do we do digital?
He goes, “Who doesn’t use
digital tickets now?” Almost like, you’re a jerkoff
if you have a printed ticket. I still like though
having like a ticket. – I do that when I go
to the airport. I print out
my ticket for the plane. – Oh really, you still
print it out? – Always.
– I always– I do. – Really?
I don’t print… – I always get one.
I use the app, but I always have a backup. I get the one,
the paper ticket, for sure. It always says– I look for– it’s easy to look for the TSA
pre-check, the whole thing. – You look for everything.
I love it. – Put it in my front pocket
of my hoodie. – You probably see–
you’re like, look at me, man, I’m at 17D.
– I go, whoo! – Whoo!
– Delta comfort, 12A. – Yeah, comfort A.
– If I do it– it fits perf– I slide it
right in the front pocket of my hoodie and just
leave it there. – You wanna hear
a good Delta scam? You wanna do out here?
– Yes, yes. – If you’re a, all right,
comfort plus or whatever, or even like… wait for
everybody to get on the plane. – Sure.
– Go on last. And then see what seats
are empty. Just sit there.
– Really? – They never check.
– That’s great. – I’ve been comfort plus
for a couple months now, and I’m always main. I should be in the back.
– Really? And you just walk on.
– I should be 32C, 32C. – Oh, if you go last person
on the plane, yeah, yeah, yeah. – Just wait, wait, wait.
– That’s a smart move. – So smart.
– Nobody checks. – That’s a smart move.
I go– I do the same thing where I go on– I’ve never
been called on it, but almost immediately
when they go “Group 1 boarding,” and then if you’re the first
person up there, they will– or not even the first–
if you’re like the second or third person up there and
there’s a line behind you too, when you get up there,
and they go… – They ain’t checking.
– They go– no, they check, but the most you’re gonna get–
usually, they don’t check and they just buzz it.
– Yeah. – They check it.
If you have it on your phone, they don’t look at all.
– At all. – Oh yeah, yeah.
– At all, I’ve seen that. – So using your phone thing
is a thing– always get on first on Group 1. If you have
a paper ticket though, and you’re like Group 3
or something, be like the third person
in line on Group 1, and then when they get up there,
the most you’re gonna get is like… “Only Group 1’s
supposed to be here,” and you go, oh, I was–
I didn’t… and just like–
be like, I– but the thing. – Dude, I’ve seen
good defense though. I’ve seen good defense at JFK,
where Delta, they’ve been like, “Sir, we’re only calling
Group 1 right now.” – Oh yeah, that defense
is so funny… And people going like…
– And they’ll be like, “Sir, we’re only calling…”
– Hey, I’m Zone 1. He’s like, “Your Zone 3.”
They say it loud. All right, I’ll walk
to the side, it’s fine. – If I got called on it,
straight back– we’re throwing
these scams out here, the other backup right there,
if they go, “Sir, you’re in Zone 3,”
I go, I was supposed– I meant to walk up
when you asked if anybody needs extra time,
I had foot surgery. – Good one.
– Aw, nice! – And then– I literally
Keyser Soze… – Nice.
– Do the walk, and then just, in the jetway, I’m like,
fuck you. Yeah dude, no way.
– I walk… – First on the plane.
– I walk up and I go, I’m, uh… And they go, “Sir, it’s Zone 1.” I go, I killed Bin Laden.
What? – Oh yeah, he goes,
I am active military. – You’re active military.
I go, I’m a small child. – You’re getting stolen valor
for a flight. – My dad’s the pilot.
– Yeah, yeah, stolen valor for a flight to Sacramento. I killed Bin Laden
and the ISIS guy. – Both of them.
– I’m a dog. – I’m a dog.
– I think I’m a dog. – I have a service vest on
under this shirt. – I can’t– I have
to get on right now. – I have to get on, please.
– Nore Davis, you gotta come in and hang out with us again
sometime soon. – Man, anytime, guys,
I love y’all, man. – Yeah, dude, come back
and hang out… – The half hour special
is coming out this Friday. Yeah, November 8th, 11:30 p.m.
– Yeah, bro. – Yes, check it out.
– On Comedy Central. Nore’s absolutely hilarious.
– Thank you, Big Jay. – Oh, hi.
Didn’t see you come in there. I’m Dan Soder.
– I’m Big Jay Oakerson. – We’re from the “Bonfire”
on Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95. – Make sure you watch
our videos every Thursday on Comedy Central YouTube. – Fresh, exclusive, visual.
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